The Cheese Stands Alone

This is one of the hardest issues to talk about regarding my infertility journey and also the hardest to deal with; loneliness and jealousy/envy.

Over the last 2 weeks there have been several of our friends that announced their good news....They are pregnant! Like I've said before, we are SOOOO happy for them. Really. We. Are. So. Happy! But there's also this little evil monster that comes up from inside of me that is raging with jealousy/envy/anger/sadness/I can't even come up with the right words to describe the feeling. It's also a feeling I HATE to feel. I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be 100% happy and not worry about how I feel about myself? It's not me to feel this way about my friends/family that very much love and care for. I only want the best for them. I'm not a jealous person at all. In fact, I'm really content...except for this part. Then the loneliness sets in because you hate yourself for feeling jealous or angry at someone for something that is terrific news! And at the moment of monster rage you feel like you're the only one in the world that can't get pregnant. You're the only one who always feels this way. All of the negative emotions come welling up and it's a battle to just keep your sanity while trying to talk yourself into a happy place. It's lonely, so lonely in that space. Thank goodness I'm able to talk myself out of that lonely-monster envy stage after a few minutes, hours, or a day depending on who made their special announcement. It's not that I'm upset they are having a baby, I'm upset because it's another reminder that I'm NOT having one.

When we first starting trying I would see little rants from women on BabyCenter about how they can't stand seeing the Facebook postings of announcements and new babies and they are so jealous and blah blah blah. I literally thought to myself, "Wow. How selfish and self-centered can you be? Seriously? Why aren't these people happy for their friends. After all, their friends achieved the same goal they are striving for. If it were me I'd be elated for my friends!". Fast forward a few months, lots of shots, tears, negative tests, bad news, and money down the drain, and many, many, many pregnancy announcements - I get it now. I totally understand those rants. Maybe they weren't very well articulated , but how can you really explain these negative emotions without sounding crass, self-centered, jealous, or just plain bitchy?

Just know that if you tell someone who is struggling with fertility that you are pregnant, they might not react how you'd like. Believe me, they don't want to react that way either. They truly are happy for you...once they are able to dig out those other emotions and squash their monster inside reminding them that they are a failure again. It's an ongoing battle with every new announcement, every baby picture, and every post about someone's perfect baby. Learning to cope and sort out my feelings rationally is something I've definitely improved on throughout this journey. So I guess our stork made a pit-stop to "Jealous Falls" just for me! I needed improving so let's move on outta here and get back on track to that maternity ward.