Put the Stork in Neutral

We met with a new doctor at a new clinic because we were simply losing faith in Dr. Dunn and FSH. I didn't feel like anyone was listening to my concern when my lining was always only a 7mm or less when it should have at least been an 8 on trigger day. In my heart of hearts, I feel like that is the reason none of these treatments are working. We also are at the point where we needed to start looking at the I word...yes, I said it. The I word....I-V-F. Dunns statistics were much lower than others around town and his prices were the same. No thanks! (More on this in a later post)

J and I met with Dr. Williams and we LOVE him. He validated my concerns about the lining and also had some good recommendations. One of which was to do a Hysteroscopy. Pretty much they put camera up your hooha to check out the inside of your uterus to make sure it's okay and to make sure you don't have any scar tissue, adhesions, polyps, septums, etc. which cannot been seen on ultrasound or HSG (which I've already had done and my tubes are clear). If they find anything they will be able to fix it right away and will also biopsy  my uterine lining to make sure all is well. He even said the thin lining issue with past treatment was so concerning that he wouldn't treat me until I had this done. I'm so relieved that something is being done about it even if they don't find anything wrong. He also suggested me doing straight injectibles. THANK YOU! I've asked Dunn and his nurses several times because the pills I was taking can thin out your lining - guess what? They all acted like I was crazy and said no. Dr. Williams thinks they are crazy. I finally feel like someone is taking me seriously. My type A personality pretty much lends it's hand to me being obsessive about research and I know everything there is to know about these treatments (I feel like I could be the dr.) - There were many times I would suggest things to Dunn's nurses and they were puzzled because they didn't even know what I was talking about. They'd ask Dunn and he'd agree. Boom!

So I got the call today to schedule the hysteroscopy and it's on September 15th AND I have to get on BIRTH CONTROL! Isn't that ironic? The whole reason I'm doing all this is to get pregnant, not prevent it. Oh the irony! I mean, I get it. They want my reproductive system to be shut down so they can check out my insides. But just the thought of it kills me a little bit on the inside. So pretty much I'll be put in neutral. Not going anywhere. It'll be nice to have at least a 3 week break, but again I feel like I'm losing 3 weeks of the year towards "trying". Hopefully, this procedure will restart my engine and I'll be back in drive soon.

Sorry for the pretty boring post. I know it was blah.

Mayday

On our anniversary dinner I had a few glasses of wine and told J about the blog. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him sooner, but it was just a nice little release. While reading on my Kindle last night, J asked me how our drunk stork was doing and I didn't really have a response because I've neglected to write. There's lots of deep meaning that could go into this so here's one of my takes on this - mostly, I feel like I've lost the stork. He's off the radar and I have no clue where the hell he went. Imagine looking at a radar that air traffic control would be looking at - no stork. He's gone and not answering any mayday calls. I'm panicking and out of control looking for him, but it's silence on the other end.

 I feel like my stork has a few parallels with my relationship to God. That relationship is pretty much off the radar too. I'm not answering any of God's mayday calls and at some point I just didn't care. I never thought about it too much but just didn't care to spend any time with Him. The prayers and thanksgiving were less frequent and when I did say a prayer I didn't do it whole heartedly, but more of a last resort hoping maybe it would work, but figured he doesn't have time for us because if he did, we'd have our kid by now. We made it to church last Sunday for the first time in about 7-8 weeks and during the worship a song came by David Crowder called "How He Loves Us" and kept repeating that he really does love us. It resonated with me. At that moment I realized that I have been feeling abandoned by God. How could he let this profound hurt that has penetrated every depth of my soul continue? Where is He? Why has He allowed this? Shouldn't I be rescued by now? I was able to put into words how I was feeling. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I could tell God and myself how I really felt. I'm not sure that realization made me feel less abandoned, but verbalizing it helped me make sense of it. I'm slowly able to turn those feelings of abandon into knowing that there is a plan for me, but it's just not my time yet. It's been nearly 2 years of hell. Instead of trusting God I've abandoned him - he hasn't abandoned me - even though that's what I felt and still am having a hard time not feeling that way.

These are more emotions I need to deal with. It seems with each new cycle there's something new I discover. I need to trust God and open up and have faith. I know that is the truth and that's the only thing that will get us through this mess. I'm sure as soon as I get back on track with God, our stork will be back on our radar. It's a lot easier said than done with each new failure. Each failure automatically brings up a rush of negative feelings and abandonment. At this point we can't work off our own merits because they've failed us. Sooner or later the only thing left we'll have is a little faith. I'm stubborn and I think in the midst of this battle, I'm gonna go down fighting until I have nothing else but a small seed of faith as my option. That's when God will show up. I just need to answer his call to be found.