October 2012. That's the month this journey started. That's the month I knew our lives would change forever. I thought it was because we'd have a little bundle of joy on the way in no time. I wasn't right about that little bundle, but I was right about one thing; our lives and our souls were embarking on a journey of being changed forever.
I'm not sure how I feel about looking back on 2 years. It's rather painful to remember the hurt, the bad news, the surgeries, the doctor visits, the missed work, the numerous probes up you-know-where, the tears, the defeat, the shots, the failed inseminations, the jealousy, the hope, the endurance, the celebrations of good news, the small victories, the special moments, the pure and uncontainable love, the prayers, and this list could go on. All of that is really hard to look back on with anything but a heavy heart.
Sure, we've made progress. A lot of progress actually. We went from a girl who thought she was a fertile myrtle, didn't know she had PCOS, wasn't even ovulating, and a boy who had dismal counts, awful DNA fragmentation, and a varicocele vein to a woman who has come to terms with her PCOS, has successfully treated it and now ovulates on her own (WHAT???) and a man who has endured a major surgery that now has fantastic counts (even better than average! YAY!!! These are the small victories we celebrate). We've made major strides and overcome several speed bumps that were in the way, but we still aren't victorious. We've done ALL that and it still hasn't worked. 2 full years of fighting this uphill battle. It makes us question, "How much longer? Will this ever work? How many more obstacles do we have to overcome?" At this point for me, it's really hard to not be bitter. Two years. Two years! Two F$%!@ing years! Bitter, that's the only word that even comes close.
I never thought in my wildest dreams this is what it would come to. I always wonder what would happen if I did somehow have a heads up. I think my optimist self (well 2 years ago I was an optimist; glass half full kind of girl) would have still given it a shot even knowing how hard it was going to be. I'm sure I would have told myself, "It can't be that hard". psssfffffphhh! Even now though, we aren't giving up. We are fighters and we will fight until there literally aren't anymore shots to take, doctors to go to, money to take out of our bank accounts, eggs to be fertilized, or sex to be had. We will fight. We've fought this far and we know that the end goal will be worth fighting for, or hell, even dying for. I truly feel that way. I will go to the end of the earth for my nonexistent, unborn child(ren) who we already love so much. There isn't anything we wouldn't do for them. So no, won't be waving the white flag of surrender anytime soon.
At the beginning of this, I had a friend who was dealing with similar issues and we would discuss our TTC efforts at nausea. It was so great to have a buddy that knew what I was going through. I remember telling her there is no way I'd resort to using fertility drugs, even just the little pill Clomid (the first line of action for infertility, which now I call the gateway drug LOL). I insisted on doing it naturally and I sure as hell didn't need any help. (Major eye roll at my stupid 2012 self) Well, then I find myself sitting in the doctors office ASKING for Clomid after I found out I wasn't ovulating and most likely had PCOS. But I told my friend that was the end of the line. Nothing else. I wanted the creation of our child to be totally natural. A few months later, I find myself doing an Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI) along with taking Clomid. Ummmm yeah, totally not natural! J depositing his "goods" in a cup, handing it to a lab worker who them puts it in a centrifuge, spins them around, takes out the bad ones, then puts it in a solution to hyper activate them, gives it back to us in a white paper back (no kidding), we walk up the 4th floor, wait for a nurse to insert a speculum into my "goods" insert a catheter and inject the newly prepared sperm into me. How's that for natural conception? All the while pronouncing that I will NEVER and I mean NEVER do IVF. I wouldn't even say those 3 little letters because I was so terrified of it. Although deep down I knew that was a good possibility as the other doors were closing behind us. A few months later, I not only found myself doing Clomid with an IUI but I also added injectable medicines. Those are where I get to shoot myself up with straight hormones to grow more eggs. Yup. Au Naturale. Sooooo here we are. Right here. No success with any of those treatments and I'm even hung ho about discussing IVF. I've found that this is very similar to the grieving process and I had to go through all of those other steps in order to be okay with the next step.
After all that, I guess the only thing to say is cheers to the next 2 years, and the next 2 after that. I don't know what they will bring. We can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But I do know that there are blessings in this storm and that we are fighters. Our spirits may be broken, but we aren't giving up. We embarked on what we thought was a little road trip, but ended up on a journey or more like a pilgrimage. This is our road and we will own it and we will follow the stork wherever he takes us.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Put the Stork in Neutral
We met with a new doctor at a new clinic because we were simply losing faith in Dr. Dunn and FSH. I didn't feel like anyone was listening to my concern when my lining was always only a 7mm or less when it should have at least been an 8 on trigger day. In my heart of hearts, I feel like that is the reason none of these treatments are working. We also are at the point where we needed to start looking at the I word...yes, I said it. The I word....I-V-F. Dunns statistics were much lower than others around town and his prices were the same. No thanks! (More on this in a later post)
J and I met with Dr. Williams and we LOVE him. He validated my concerns about the lining and also had some good recommendations. One of which was to do a Hysteroscopy. Pretty much they put camera up your hooha to check out the inside of your uterus to make sure it's okay and to make sure you don't have any scar tissue, adhesions, polyps, septums, etc. which cannot been seen on ultrasound or HSG (which I've already had done and my tubes are clear). If they find anything they will be able to fix it right away and will also biopsy my uterine lining to make sure all is well. He even said the thin lining issue with past treatment was so concerning that he wouldn't treat me until I had this done. I'm so relieved that something is being done about it even if they don't find anything wrong. He also suggested me doing straight injectibles. THANK YOU! I've asked Dunn and his nurses several times because the pills I was taking can thin out your lining - guess what? They all acted like I was crazy and said no. Dr. Williams thinks they are crazy. I finally feel like someone is taking me seriously. My type A personality pretty much lends it's hand to me being obsessive about research and I know everything there is to know about these treatments (I feel like I could be the dr.) - There were many times I would suggest things to Dunn's nurses and they were puzzled because they didn't even know what I was talking about. They'd ask Dunn and he'd agree. Boom!
So I got the call today to schedule the hysteroscopy and it's on September 15th AND I have to get on BIRTH CONTROL! Isn't that ironic? The whole reason I'm doing all this is to get pregnant, not prevent it. Oh the irony! I mean, I get it. They want my reproductive system to be shut down so they can check out my insides. But just the thought of it kills me a little bit on the inside. So pretty much I'll be put in neutral. Not going anywhere. It'll be nice to have at least a 3 week break, but again I feel like I'm losing 3 weeks of the year towards "trying". Hopefully, this procedure will restart my engine and I'll be back in drive soon.
Sorry for the pretty boring post. I know it was blah.
J and I met with Dr. Williams and we LOVE him. He validated my concerns about the lining and also had some good recommendations. One of which was to do a Hysteroscopy. Pretty much they put camera up your hooha to check out the inside of your uterus to make sure it's okay and to make sure you don't have any scar tissue, adhesions, polyps, septums, etc. which cannot been seen on ultrasound or HSG (which I've already had done and my tubes are clear). If they find anything they will be able to fix it right away and will also biopsy my uterine lining to make sure all is well. He even said the thin lining issue with past treatment was so concerning that he wouldn't treat me until I had this done. I'm so relieved that something is being done about it even if they don't find anything wrong. He also suggested me doing straight injectibles. THANK YOU! I've asked Dunn and his nurses several times because the pills I was taking can thin out your lining - guess what? They all acted like I was crazy and said no. Dr. Williams thinks they are crazy. I finally feel like someone is taking me seriously. My type A personality pretty much lends it's hand to me being obsessive about research and I know everything there is to know about these treatments (I feel like I could be the dr.) - There were many times I would suggest things to Dunn's nurses and they were puzzled because they didn't even know what I was talking about. They'd ask Dunn and he'd agree. Boom!
So I got the call today to schedule the hysteroscopy and it's on September 15th AND I have to get on BIRTH CONTROL! Isn't that ironic? The whole reason I'm doing all this is to get pregnant, not prevent it. Oh the irony! I mean, I get it. They want my reproductive system to be shut down so they can check out my insides. But just the thought of it kills me a little bit on the inside. So pretty much I'll be put in neutral. Not going anywhere. It'll be nice to have at least a 3 week break, but again I feel like I'm losing 3 weeks of the year towards "trying". Hopefully, this procedure will restart my engine and I'll be back in drive soon.
Sorry for the pretty boring post. I know it was blah.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Mayday
On our anniversary dinner I had a few glasses of wine and told J about the blog. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him sooner, but it was just a nice little release. While reading on my Kindle last night, J asked me how our drunk stork was doing and I didn't really have a response because I've neglected to write. There's lots of deep meaning that could go into this so here's one of my takes on this - mostly, I feel like I've lost the stork. He's off the radar and I have no clue where the hell he went. Imagine looking at a radar that air traffic control would be looking at - no stork. He's gone and not answering any mayday calls. I'm panicking and out of control looking for him, but it's silence on the other end.
I feel like my stork has a few parallels with my relationship to God. That relationship is pretty much off the radar too. I'm not answering any of God's mayday calls and at some point I just didn't care. I never thought about it too much but just didn't care to spend any time with Him. The prayers and thanksgiving were less frequent and when I did say a prayer I didn't do it whole heartedly, but more of a last resort hoping maybe it would work, but figured he doesn't have time for us because if he did, we'd have our kid by now. We made it to church last Sunday for the first time in about 7-8 weeks and during the worship a song came by David Crowder called "How He Loves Us" and kept repeating that he really does love us. It resonated with me. At that moment I realized that I have been feeling abandoned by God. How could he let this profound hurt that has penetrated every depth of my soul continue? Where is He? Why has He allowed this? Shouldn't I be rescued by now? I was able to put into words how I was feeling. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I could tell God and myself how I really felt. I'm not sure that realization made me feel less abandoned, but verbalizing it helped me make sense of it. I'm slowly able to turn those feelings of abandon into knowing that there is a plan for me, but it's just not my time yet. It's been nearly 2 years of hell. Instead of trusting God I've abandoned him - he hasn't abandoned me - even though that's what I felt and still am having a hard time not feeling that way.
These are more emotions I need to deal with. It seems with each new cycle there's something new I discover. I need to trust God and open up and have faith. I know that is the truth and that's the only thing that will get us through this mess. I'm sure as soon as I get back on track with God, our stork will be back on our radar. It's a lot easier said than done with each new failure. Each failure automatically brings up a rush of negative feelings and abandonment. At this point we can't work off our own merits because they've failed us. Sooner or later the only thing left we'll have is a little faith. I'm stubborn and I think in the midst of this battle, I'm gonna go down fighting until I have nothing else but a small seed of faith as my option. That's when God will show up. I just need to answer his call to be found.
I feel like my stork has a few parallels with my relationship to God. That relationship is pretty much off the radar too. I'm not answering any of God's mayday calls and at some point I just didn't care. I never thought about it too much but just didn't care to spend any time with Him. The prayers and thanksgiving were less frequent and when I did say a prayer I didn't do it whole heartedly, but more of a last resort hoping maybe it would work, but figured he doesn't have time for us because if he did, we'd have our kid by now. We made it to church last Sunday for the first time in about 7-8 weeks and during the worship a song came by David Crowder called "How He Loves Us" and kept repeating that he really does love us. It resonated with me. At that moment I realized that I have been feeling abandoned by God. How could he let this profound hurt that has penetrated every depth of my soul continue? Where is He? Why has He allowed this? Shouldn't I be rescued by now? I was able to put into words how I was feeling. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I could tell God and myself how I really felt. I'm not sure that realization made me feel less abandoned, but verbalizing it helped me make sense of it. I'm slowly able to turn those feelings of abandon into knowing that there is a plan for me, but it's just not my time yet. It's been nearly 2 years of hell. Instead of trusting God I've abandoned him - he hasn't abandoned me - even though that's what I felt and still am having a hard time not feeling that way.
These are more emotions I need to deal with. It seems with each new cycle there's something new I discover. I need to trust God and open up and have faith. I know that is the truth and that's the only thing that will get us through this mess. I'm sure as soon as I get back on track with God, our stork will be back on our radar. It's a lot easier said than done with each new failure. Each failure automatically brings up a rush of negative feelings and abandonment. At this point we can't work off our own merits because they've failed us. Sooner or later the only thing left we'll have is a little faith. I'm stubborn and I think in the midst of this battle, I'm gonna go down fighting until I have nothing else but a small seed of faith as my option. That's when God will show up. I just need to answer his call to be found.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Please Exit to the Left.
It's been quite a while since I sat down to update here. Not really because I was so busy, but because I didn't want to. I thought about it all the time, but actually sitting down and having to put into words what has been going on the last few months is hard. Soooo hard. Going through this every day and then having to rehash the last 3-4 months...ugh. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. But it's good for me to do this. One day (hopefully) I'll be happy I brought myself to do this.
February was a great month! My birthday and J surprised me with a trip to Vegas! Planned it all out with my work and everything! Even invited my sisters and best friend who surprised me at the airport! yay! BEST TRIP EVER! It was still less than 3 months post-op so we knew we didn't have a chance so it was fun! I also have the best husband ever. He knew this is exactly what we needed. I was actually able to forget about our infertility for a few days. Of course, except for the occasional ovarian twitch. Damn oversized ovaries. grr!
March - 4 month follow up. great news! His counts tripled. yes! Tripled!!!! Pre-op we had 6 million swimmers/ml and now we had 19!!!! (however, in our previous IUIs we had anywhere from 10-16 million/ml....different labs I guess calculate differently) What?!?! That's almost normal! (Normal range is 20/ml) We still have a LONG LONG way to go. But the fact that after only 4 months, there was this much improvement is very comforting.
I also had my follow up with my RE, Dr. D. Just walking in that place brought up so many memories. I hadn't stepped foot in there for 6 months The first thing I noticed was the smell. It's the overwhelming smell of defeat, sadness, anxiety, tears, prayers, questions, the memory of uncomfortable probes up the who-ha. All of those things at once hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all my strength to not just run out there while hitting every pregnant woman gleefully walking through the halls. (My RE is connected to a huge OBGYN practice...yeah, tell me about it!) The first few minutes just brought up all of the negative emotions our BFNs the past few months brought us. Not one single positive emotion. I was about to the point of tears and I had just reached the elevator. As if seeing the pregnant women and the maternity/baby clothes store at the entrance wasn't enough, once I reach the 4th floor you go right to the OBGYN ("fertiles section") and left for the "infertiles" section. haha ok, it's not called that but you do go left through a set of glass doors that say "Fertility Specialists of Houston". Our stork apparently has an alignment issue and always makes us take the left exit. Taking deep breaths, I check in and remember the receptionist as I'm sure she remembers me. I hate the feeling of pity, I just know she has so much pity for me that I'm back, again. Oh well, time to suck it up. I'm finally starting to feel a little hopeful, afterall it's just to talk with Dr. D. Nothing else.
He's very pleased because I've managed to lose 14 lbs since last time and I've ovulated on my own for the last 6 months. yay! We decide to go ahead with an IUI with a new drug I haven't tried yet, Femara. I know it will be a long shot because J isn't really even all the way healed yet, but I've waited 6 months! Let's get this show on the road!
Well we tried and failed. BAM! Devasted as usual. I forgot how hard it was with medicated cycles. That unicorn gets all riled up and the fall is so much worse. I knew it was too soon to start another treatment, but I had try it. J was really reluctant, but knew I was chomping at the bit to try again so he agreed. I had been as patient as I could be. That failed cycle was a nice little reality check for me. As I sat in bed before work crying about the arrival of AF I heard a voice whisper "Be Patient". It was a soft whisper in my head and I know it was God. It was clear as day. God put that in my conscience. That's it. Be Patient. At that moment I pulled myself together, didn't allow myself to feel bad and decided to move on. Deal with the fact that this cycle didn't work. That moment was a huge moment where peace washed over my entire body and I was okay. I was actually okay with our situation. I had never felt that before, but the undeniable truth was that My Protector, My Creator just let me know personally that he was taking care of it. I took it as "be patient, it's coming, I'm handling it". I took it as a promise and He doesn't break His promises, so I'm holding on to that.
April & May - We decided to take those months off and wait until J had his 6 month follow up. Typically, 6 month post-op is really when you see major improvements and then you continue getting better from then on. We also were scheduled to have the DNA retested as that was the major factor. If you have more than 27% fragmentation you are real unlikely to have a successful pregnancy. Well pre-op, ours was 50%. Yeah. Almost double as bad as it should have been. There really is no point in continuing any kind of treatment, even IVF, when the numbers are that bad as we will not yield a successful pregnancy. So we decided to wait until we get the results back and then decide how to move forward. We get the simple analysis right away..his counts double AGAIN!!! Hooray!!! 36 million per ml. Now that is WAY normal! yayayayayayayyaya! Morphology is still really low and motility is just okay. Improvement is always good no matter where it is. DNA frag test will take at least 2 weeks.
June - Call the urologist to see if the DNA fragmentation results are in.....THE LAB NEVER DID THEM!!!! WTF! RAGE! RAGE! RAGE! The Dr. ordered the test and it's clearly on J's chart. Stupid lab. Our whole struggle is based on that percentage. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Our baby is depending on those numbers. RAGE! I'm not even on any fertility meds and I'm raging over this. So what am I supposed to do, make J go submit ANOTHER sample? no. I'm not making him endure the humiliation again . He's been such a trooper! I mean SUUUUCHH a trooper through this. How can I ask him to do that for the 8th time when it may or may not be used because this incompetent lab cant read instructions. I feel bad enough that he has to do it all, even when it is being inserted through my cervix via catheter. (sounds sexy right? oh yeeeaaaahhhh)
So guess what? We wait. I get so wrapped up in statistics and numbers. We decided we are going to do 3 medicated cycles with injectibles and just trust that DNA fragmentation has gone down. And by trusting, I mean it has improved by 50% or more. That's some BIG trust right there, people. If we got the results back and the DNA was unchanged we would move on. We would know that these next 3 IUIs aren't going to work, so we wouldn't put our hearts through the torture. That is information I'd really like to know beforehand. But since the lab messed up, maybe it's a sign. After all, it's just a number. We can beat the odds and I need to positive about it. So we may be blindly walking into all kinds of heartache and torture. But we have to try. J is really positive about our odds now that its been 6 months post surgery.
We won't be doing a treatment cycle until July. We scheduled a vacation about 4 months ago for the first time in 2 years without considering our fertility treatments. Guess what? It's either skip our vacation or have an IUI. New Orleans, hand grenades, shots (alcoholic, that is), gambling, staying up til 3 AM, partying our asses off, and even a hang over sound a lot more fun than catheters, sperm washes, IUIs, speculums, ultrasounds, literal shots with needles, pills, stress, thinking about follicle growth, thinking about the follicles not growing and extra hormones. What do you think? Thought so.
So July it is.....hopefully it will only be a short time until our stork's navigation instructs us to make that right turn :)
February was a great month! My birthday and J surprised me with a trip to Vegas! Planned it all out with my work and everything! Even invited my sisters and best friend who surprised me at the airport! yay! BEST TRIP EVER! It was still less than 3 months post-op so we knew we didn't have a chance so it was fun! I also have the best husband ever. He knew this is exactly what we needed. I was actually able to forget about our infertility for a few days. Of course, except for the occasional ovarian twitch. Damn oversized ovaries. grr!
March - 4 month follow up. great news! His counts tripled. yes! Tripled!!!! Pre-op we had 6 million swimmers/ml and now we had 19!!!! (however, in our previous IUIs we had anywhere from 10-16 million/ml....different labs I guess calculate differently) What?!?! That's almost normal! (Normal range is 20/ml) We still have a LONG LONG way to go. But the fact that after only 4 months, there was this much improvement is very comforting.
I also had my follow up with my RE, Dr. D. Just walking in that place brought up so many memories. I hadn't stepped foot in there for 6 months The first thing I noticed was the smell. It's the overwhelming smell of defeat, sadness, anxiety, tears, prayers, questions, the memory of uncomfortable probes up the who-ha. All of those things at once hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all my strength to not just run out there while hitting every pregnant woman gleefully walking through the halls. (My RE is connected to a huge OBGYN practice...yeah, tell me about it!) The first few minutes just brought up all of the negative emotions our BFNs the past few months brought us. Not one single positive emotion. I was about to the point of tears and I had just reached the elevator. As if seeing the pregnant women and the maternity/baby clothes store at the entrance wasn't enough, once I reach the 4th floor you go right to the OBGYN ("fertiles section") and left for the "infertiles" section. haha ok, it's not called that but you do go left through a set of glass doors that say "Fertility Specialists of Houston". Our stork apparently has an alignment issue and always makes us take the left exit. Taking deep breaths, I check in and remember the receptionist as I'm sure she remembers me. I hate the feeling of pity, I just know she has so much pity for me that I'm back, again. Oh well, time to suck it up. I'm finally starting to feel a little hopeful, afterall it's just to talk with Dr. D. Nothing else.
He's very pleased because I've managed to lose 14 lbs since last time and I've ovulated on my own for the last 6 months. yay! We decide to go ahead with an IUI with a new drug I haven't tried yet, Femara. I know it will be a long shot because J isn't really even all the way healed yet, but I've waited 6 months! Let's get this show on the road!
Well we tried and failed. BAM! Devasted as usual. I forgot how hard it was with medicated cycles. That unicorn gets all riled up and the fall is so much worse. I knew it was too soon to start another treatment, but I had try it. J was really reluctant, but knew I was chomping at the bit to try again so he agreed. I had been as patient as I could be. That failed cycle was a nice little reality check for me. As I sat in bed before work crying about the arrival of AF I heard a voice whisper "Be Patient". It was a soft whisper in my head and I know it was God. It was clear as day. God put that in my conscience. That's it. Be Patient. At that moment I pulled myself together, didn't allow myself to feel bad and decided to move on. Deal with the fact that this cycle didn't work. That moment was a huge moment where peace washed over my entire body and I was okay. I was actually okay with our situation. I had never felt that before, but the undeniable truth was that My Protector, My Creator just let me know personally that he was taking care of it. I took it as "be patient, it's coming, I'm handling it". I took it as a promise and He doesn't break His promises, so I'm holding on to that.
April & May - We decided to take those months off and wait until J had his 6 month follow up. Typically, 6 month post-op is really when you see major improvements and then you continue getting better from then on. We also were scheduled to have the DNA retested as that was the major factor. If you have more than 27% fragmentation you are real unlikely to have a successful pregnancy. Well pre-op, ours was 50%. Yeah. Almost double as bad as it should have been. There really is no point in continuing any kind of treatment, even IVF, when the numbers are that bad as we will not yield a successful pregnancy. So we decided to wait until we get the results back and then decide how to move forward. We get the simple analysis right away..his counts double AGAIN!!! Hooray!!! 36 million per ml. Now that is WAY normal! yayayayayayayyaya! Morphology is still really low and motility is just okay. Improvement is always good no matter where it is. DNA frag test will take at least 2 weeks.
June - Call the urologist to see if the DNA fragmentation results are in.....THE LAB NEVER DID THEM!!!! WTF! RAGE! RAGE! RAGE! The Dr. ordered the test and it's clearly on J's chart. Stupid lab. Our whole struggle is based on that percentage. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Our baby is depending on those numbers. RAGE! I'm not even on any fertility meds and I'm raging over this. So what am I supposed to do, make J go submit ANOTHER sample? no. I'm not making him endure the humiliation again . He's been such a trooper! I mean SUUUUCHH a trooper through this. How can I ask him to do that for the 8th time when it may or may not be used because this incompetent lab cant read instructions. I feel bad enough that he has to do it all, even when it is being inserted through my cervix via catheter. (sounds sexy right? oh yeeeaaaahhhh)
So guess what? We wait. I get so wrapped up in statistics and numbers. We decided we are going to do 3 medicated cycles with injectibles and just trust that DNA fragmentation has gone down. And by trusting, I mean it has improved by 50% or more. That's some BIG trust right there, people. If we got the results back and the DNA was unchanged we would move on. We would know that these next 3 IUIs aren't going to work, so we wouldn't put our hearts through the torture. That is information I'd really like to know beforehand. But since the lab messed up, maybe it's a sign. After all, it's just a number. We can beat the odds and I need to positive about it. So we may be blindly walking into all kinds of heartache and torture. But we have to try. J is really positive about our odds now that its been 6 months post surgery.
We won't be doing a treatment cycle until July. We scheduled a vacation about 4 months ago for the first time in 2 years without considering our fertility treatments. Guess what? It's either skip our vacation or have an IUI. New Orleans, hand grenades, shots (alcoholic, that is), gambling, staying up til 3 AM, partying our asses off, and even a hang over sound a lot more fun than catheters, sperm washes, IUIs, speculums, ultrasounds, literal shots with needles, pills, stress, thinking about follicle growth, thinking about the follicles not growing and extra hormones. What do you think? Thought so.
So July it is.....hopefully it will only be a short time until our stork's navigation instructs us to make that right turn :)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Meet my pet Unicorn!!!!
So I have a pet unicorn. You know the fictional pony that has magical powers and full of rainbows and glitter and happy thoughts? Yes. That kind. Every woman has one, but their unicorn only emerges as they start trying to have a baby. Let me explain for those of you that are utterly confused...
My unicorn is mostly at bay every 2 weeks and then I get a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) test telling me ovulation is eminent. This means we have approximately 36 hours to get as many swimmers up there as possible to hopefully catch the egg. Let the marathon of the most unsexy, pressure filled, but we aren't talking about how awkward the "sex makes babies" sex really is. Then the countdown begins. Whew! And there she is...my unicorn full of glitter filled thoughts and fantasies about how this has to be our month, then the fantasies about how we will tell our families, how will I tell my husband?, OMG Gender reveal party! - I. must. start. planning. This goes on for approximately 13 glitter filled days of nothing but baby. Obsessively searching stories on Babycenter of others who are experiencing "cramps at 7 dpo (Days Past Ovulation)", "implantation dips", and obsessively comparing my chart to others that got their BFP (Big Fat Positive). These obsessive bouts only feed my unicorn and she comes out roaring her head and shooting rainbows up my butt about how this is DEFINITELY THE MONTH!! This is about what she looks like at this point...
How amazing is that? Prancing around in all her baby making glory...Then comes 13dpo at about 8:30 PM Every.single.cycle. I get that pink spot on my TP and we all know what follows (I should be lucky as this is my warning and I shouldn't be surprised when the next morning my temperature plummets and I wake up to full blown Aunt Flow). But my unicorn doesn't stop there. While the temp drop and and blood should be enough to slaughter my unicorn for this cycle she still lives. She whispers things like, "you know that is probably implantation bleeding (IB)" and cue more obsessive searches containing "IB at 14 dpo" to find several stories of women who thought their period had arrived only to really be pregnant. Wow. She doesn't die so easily. Then by the next day, I've come to terms with the fact that my unicorn is a total deceiving, lying, horrible bitch! And this is what happens to her....
Yup. I think she's dead. I've slaughtered her. On to another cycle and eating all the carbs I can get my hands on until I can get motivated to give the next cycle my best shot and focus on that next positive OPK. Takes about 1 day and then positive attitude arrives.
This is literally what happens every cycle. This is the roller coaster of emotions we talk about. We have to make ourselves believe that every cycle it could happen. No matter the odds. We still believe. Heart break after heart break our unicorn always comes back and we always welcome her with open arms.
My unicorn is mostly at bay every 2 weeks and then I get a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) test telling me ovulation is eminent. This means we have approximately 36 hours to get as many swimmers up there as possible to hopefully catch the egg. Let the marathon of the most unsexy, pressure filled, but we aren't talking about how awkward the "sex makes babies" sex really is. Then the countdown begins. Whew! And there she is...my unicorn full of glitter filled thoughts and fantasies about how this has to be our month, then the fantasies about how we will tell our families, how will I tell my husband?, OMG Gender reveal party! - I. must. start. planning. This goes on for approximately 13 glitter filled days of nothing but baby. Obsessively searching stories on Babycenter of others who are experiencing "cramps at 7 dpo (Days Past Ovulation)", "implantation dips", and obsessively comparing my chart to others that got their BFP (Big Fat Positive). These obsessive bouts only feed my unicorn and she comes out roaring her head and shooting rainbows up my butt about how this is DEFINITELY THE MONTH!! This is about what she looks like at this point...
How amazing is that? Prancing around in all her baby making glory...Then comes 13dpo at about 8:30 PM Every.single.cycle. I get that pink spot on my TP and we all know what follows (I should be lucky as this is my warning and I shouldn't be surprised when the next morning my temperature plummets and I wake up to full blown Aunt Flow). But my unicorn doesn't stop there. While the temp drop and and blood should be enough to slaughter my unicorn for this cycle she still lives. She whispers things like, "you know that is probably implantation bleeding (IB)" and cue more obsessive searches containing "IB at 14 dpo" to find several stories of women who thought their period had arrived only to really be pregnant. Wow. She doesn't die so easily. Then by the next day, I've come to terms with the fact that my unicorn is a total deceiving, lying, horrible bitch! And this is what happens to her....
Yup. I think she's dead. I've slaughtered her. On to another cycle and eating all the carbs I can get my hands on until I can get motivated to give the next cycle my best shot and focus on that next positive OPK. Takes about 1 day and then positive attitude arrives.
This is literally what happens every cycle. This is the roller coaster of emotions we talk about. We have to make ourselves believe that every cycle it could happen. No matter the odds. We still believe. Heart break after heart break our unicorn always comes back and we always welcome her with open arms.
Friday, January 10, 2014
The Cheese Stands Alone
This is one of the hardest issues to talk about regarding my infertility journey and also the hardest to deal with; loneliness and jealousy/envy.
Over the last 2 weeks there have been several of our friends that announced their good news....They are pregnant! Like I've said before, we are SOOOO happy for them. Really. We. Are. So. Happy! But there's also this little evil monster that comes up from inside of me that is raging with jealousy/envy/anger/sadness/I can't even come up with the right words to describe the feeling. It's also a feeling I HATE to feel. I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be 100% happy and not worry about how I feel about myself? It's not me to feel this way about my friends/family that very much love and care for. I only want the best for them. I'm not a jealous person at all. In fact, I'm really content...except for this part. Then the loneliness sets in because you hate yourself for feeling jealous or angry at someone for something that is terrific news! And at the moment of monster rage you feel like you're the only one in the world that can't get pregnant. You're the only one who always feels this way. All of the negative emotions come welling up and it's a battle to just keep your sanity while trying to talk yourself into a happy place. It's lonely, so lonely in that space. Thank goodness I'm able to talk myself out of that lonely-monster envy stage after a few minutes, hours, or a day depending on who made their special announcement. It's not that I'm upset they are having a baby, I'm upset because it's another reminder that I'm NOT having one.
When we first starting trying I would see little rants from women on BabyCenter about how they can't stand seeing the Facebook postings of announcements and new babies and they are so jealous and blah blah blah. I literally thought to myself, "Wow. How selfish and self-centered can you be? Seriously? Why aren't these people happy for their friends. After all, their friends achieved the same goal they are striving for. If it were me I'd be elated for my friends!". Fast forward a few months, lots of shots, tears, negative tests, bad news, and money down the drain, and many, many, many pregnancy announcements - I get it now. I totally understand those rants. Maybe they weren't very well articulated , but how can you really explain these negative emotions without sounding crass, self-centered, jealous, or just plain bitchy?
Just know that if you tell someone who is struggling with fertility that you are pregnant, they might not react how you'd like. Believe me, they don't want to react that way either. They truly are happy for you...once they are able to dig out those other emotions and squash their monster inside reminding them that they are a failure again. It's an ongoing battle with every new announcement, every baby picture, and every post about someone's perfect baby. Learning to cope and sort out my feelings rationally is something I've definitely improved on throughout this journey. So I guess our stork made a pit-stop to "Jealous Falls" just for me! I needed improving so let's move on outta here and get back on track to that maternity ward.
Over the last 2 weeks there have been several of our friends that announced their good news....They are pregnant! Like I've said before, we are SOOOO happy for them. Really. We. Are. So. Happy! But there's also this little evil monster that comes up from inside of me that is raging with jealousy/envy/anger/sadness/I can't even come up with the right words to describe the feeling. It's also a feeling I HATE to feel. I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be 100% happy and not worry about how I feel about myself? It's not me to feel this way about my friends/family that very much love and care for. I only want the best for them. I'm not a jealous person at all. In fact, I'm really content...except for this part. Then the loneliness sets in because you hate yourself for feeling jealous or angry at someone for something that is terrific news! And at the moment of monster rage you feel like you're the only one in the world that can't get pregnant. You're the only one who always feels this way. All of the negative emotions come welling up and it's a battle to just keep your sanity while trying to talk yourself into a happy place. It's lonely, so lonely in that space. Thank goodness I'm able to talk myself out of that lonely-monster envy stage after a few minutes, hours, or a day depending on who made their special announcement. It's not that I'm upset they are having a baby, I'm upset because it's another reminder that I'm NOT having one.
When we first starting trying I would see little rants from women on BabyCenter about how they can't stand seeing the Facebook postings of announcements and new babies and they are so jealous and blah blah blah. I literally thought to myself, "Wow. How selfish and self-centered can you be? Seriously? Why aren't these people happy for their friends. After all, their friends achieved the same goal they are striving for. If it were me I'd be elated for my friends!". Fast forward a few months, lots of shots, tears, negative tests, bad news, and money down the drain, and many, many, many pregnancy announcements - I get it now. I totally understand those rants. Maybe they weren't very well articulated , but how can you really explain these negative emotions without sounding crass, self-centered, jealous, or just plain bitchy?
Just know that if you tell someone who is struggling with fertility that you are pregnant, they might not react how you'd like. Believe me, they don't want to react that way either. They truly are happy for you...once they are able to dig out those other emotions and squash their monster inside reminding them that they are a failure again. It's an ongoing battle with every new announcement, every baby picture, and every post about someone's perfect baby. Learning to cope and sort out my feelings rationally is something I've definitely improved on throughout this journey. So I guess our stork made a pit-stop to "Jealous Falls" just for me! I needed improving so let's move on outta here and get back on track to that maternity ward.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
A New Year, A New Outlook
As this new year rolls around, I'd really like to look at it as a fresh start; a new start; a new beginning; anything other than what 2013 entailed. To sum it up, 2013 was a really crappy year for us fertility wise. However, many of the events of 2013 changed my life forever and taught me some really valuable life lessons that I'm not sure I could have learned without enduring the things I did. (I could do an entire blog of the life lessons infertility has brought us)
A lot of the worst days of my life happened in 2013. It will be a year to remember, that is for sure. But without those hard times, I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am today. Yes, that state changes rather quickly, but overall I feel like I'm in a healthy place to be able to look back at the last year, learn from all situations, count my blessings, reflect and grow.
- Our infertility struggles have made our marriage so strong that nothing can break it. We have grown together and stood firm together through the thick and thin. We now know what each other is made of (literally, ha!). At times it wasn't pretty (i.e. the ugly cry times 100, disagreements, having to feel emotions so deep we didn't know they existed, devastation, anger, frustration, etc.) but in the end we would center around each other and pray. The power of prayer is amazing and when a husband and wife pray together there is no greater your bond will ever feel than those moments.
- Perspective. Wow. How my perspective has changed! I feel like I'm a totally different person than the girl who nonchalantly threw the rest of her birth control pills in the drawer in September 2012 thinking she'd be pregnant soon. If I could only warn that girl what was to come.
In general the way I view others has changed. I feel like I'm less selfish and I take the time to look at their life through their lens instead my self-centered, egotistical world view I had before. I really didn't care how other people felt, what they were going through, or even try to empathize with them. Now I feel compassion and empathy for even the smallest things. I try to understand what it is to walk a mile is their shoes. I'd say I've done as much maturing in the last year as I had in the last 10 combined. Growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be. But I am so thankful to have a new perspective on life.
- Strength - When you feel like you cannot go on, but you do....The strength we have been able to muster within our selves and each other is tremendous and an accomplishment in itself. The strength to walk into those office doors and endure another treatment, the strength it takes to pick yourself up off the ground every month. Strength is something I didn't know I had until I had no other choice.
- Friendships - I've gained some really terrific friendships through this hardship, 2 in particular. They are dear friends who have gone through the same things and have been here for me every step of the way. They are my confidants, my shoulder to cry on, and the people I vent to. They have shown me how to be a real friend, I mean a REAL friend and I'm so thankful for them. As one of them put it, "infertility is a sorority that no one wants to be invited to" but like sorority sisters, she will be a sister to me for life.
We are hoping and praying that in 2014 we will continue to grow and learn from our experiences. We hope for our miracle. Sometimes we get so mad at our "drunk stork", although he isn't finding his way as quick as we'd like, I can now look back in our rearview mirror (with a new perspective) at 2013 and see there was meaning in those detours and maybe our stork had to take a few extra pit stops along the way, but it was because WE also needed those pit stops for whatever reason. 2014 brings us tremendous hope. I'll be visiting with our RE late February to map out our plans and try a new route. We know the issues with my husband, we know the issues with me, we at least know what we are battling. I have a feeling 2014 is going to be a great year! I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs, but we sure will continue to our destination no matter what 2014 has in store. Happy New Year!
A lot of the worst days of my life happened in 2013. It will be a year to remember, that is for sure. But without those hard times, I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am today. Yes, that state changes rather quickly, but overall I feel like I'm in a healthy place to be able to look back at the last year, learn from all situations, count my blessings, reflect and grow.
- Our infertility struggles have made our marriage so strong that nothing can break it. We have grown together and stood firm together through the thick and thin. We now know what each other is made of (literally, ha!). At times it wasn't pretty (i.e. the ugly cry times 100, disagreements, having to feel emotions so deep we didn't know they existed, devastation, anger, frustration, etc.) but in the end we would center around each other and pray. The power of prayer is amazing and when a husband and wife pray together there is no greater your bond will ever feel than those moments.
- Perspective. Wow. How my perspective has changed! I feel like I'm a totally different person than the girl who nonchalantly threw the rest of her birth control pills in the drawer in September 2012 thinking she'd be pregnant soon. If I could only warn that girl what was to come.
In general the way I view others has changed. I feel like I'm less selfish and I take the time to look at their life through their lens instead my self-centered, egotistical world view I had before. I really didn't care how other people felt, what they were going through, or even try to empathize with them. Now I feel compassion and empathy for even the smallest things. I try to understand what it is to walk a mile is their shoes. I'd say I've done as much maturing in the last year as I had in the last 10 combined. Growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be. But I am so thankful to have a new perspective on life.
- Strength - When you feel like you cannot go on, but you do....The strength we have been able to muster within our selves and each other is tremendous and an accomplishment in itself. The strength to walk into those office doors and endure another treatment, the strength it takes to pick yourself up off the ground every month. Strength is something I didn't know I had until I had no other choice.
- Friendships - I've gained some really terrific friendships through this hardship, 2 in particular. They are dear friends who have gone through the same things and have been here for me every step of the way. They are my confidants, my shoulder to cry on, and the people I vent to. They have shown me how to be a real friend, I mean a REAL friend and I'm so thankful for them. As one of them put it, "infertility is a sorority that no one wants to be invited to" but like sorority sisters, she will be a sister to me for life.
We are hoping and praying that in 2014 we will continue to grow and learn from our experiences. We hope for our miracle. Sometimes we get so mad at our "drunk stork", although he isn't finding his way as quick as we'd like, I can now look back in our rearview mirror (with a new perspective) at 2013 and see there was meaning in those detours and maybe our stork had to take a few extra pit stops along the way, but it was because WE also needed those pit stops for whatever reason. 2014 brings us tremendous hope. I'll be visiting with our RE late February to map out our plans and try a new route. We know the issues with my husband, we know the issues with me, we at least know what we are battling. I have a feeling 2014 is going to be a great year! I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs, but we sure will continue to our destination no matter what 2014 has in store. Happy New Year!
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