As this new year rolls around, I'd really like to look at it as a fresh start; a new start; a new beginning; anything other than what 2013 entailed. To sum it up, 2013 was a really crappy year for us fertility wise. However, many of the events of 2013 changed my life forever and taught me some really valuable life lessons that I'm not sure I could have learned without enduring the things I did. (I could do an entire blog of the life lessons infertility has brought us)
A lot of the worst days of my life happened in 2013. It will be a year to remember, that is for sure. But without those hard times, I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am today. Yes, that state changes rather quickly, but overall I feel like I'm in a healthy place to be able to look back at the last year, learn from all situations, count my blessings, reflect and grow.
- Our infertility struggles have made our marriage so strong that nothing can break it. We have grown together and stood firm together through the thick and thin. We now know what each other is made of (literally, ha!). At times it wasn't pretty (i.e. the ugly cry times 100, disagreements, having to feel emotions so deep we didn't know they existed, devastation, anger, frustration, etc.) but in the end we would center around each other and pray. The power of prayer is amazing and when a husband and wife pray together there is no greater your bond will ever feel than those moments.
- Perspective. Wow. How my perspective has changed! I feel like I'm a totally different person than the girl who nonchalantly threw the rest of her birth control pills in the drawer in September 2012 thinking she'd be pregnant soon. If I could only warn that girl what was to come.
In general the way I view others has changed. I feel like I'm less selfish and I take the time to look at their life through their lens instead my self-centered, egotistical world view I had before. I really didn't care how other people felt, what they were going through, or even try to empathize with them. Now I feel compassion and empathy for even the smallest things. I try to understand what it is to walk a mile is their shoes. I'd say I've done as much maturing in the last year as I had in the last 10 combined. Growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be. But I am so thankful to have a new perspective on life.
- Strength - When you feel like you cannot go on, but you do....The strength we have been able to muster within our selves and each other is tremendous and an accomplishment in itself. The strength to walk into those office doors and endure another treatment, the strength it takes to pick yourself up off the ground every month. Strength is something I didn't know I had until I had no other choice.
- Friendships - I've gained some really terrific friendships through this hardship, 2 in particular. They are dear friends who have gone through the same things and have been here for me every step of the way. They are my confidants, my shoulder to cry on, and the people I vent to. They have shown me how to be a real friend, I mean a REAL friend and I'm so thankful for them. As one of them put it, "infertility is a sorority that no one wants to be invited to" but like sorority sisters, she will be a sister to me for life.
We are hoping and praying that in 2014 we will continue to grow and learn from our experiences. We hope for our miracle. Sometimes we get so mad at our "drunk stork", although he isn't finding his way as quick as we'd like, I can now look back in our rearview mirror (with a new perspective) at 2013 and see there was meaning in those detours and maybe our stork had to take a few extra pit stops along the way, but it was because WE also needed those pit stops for whatever reason. 2014 brings us tremendous hope. I'll be visiting with our RE late February to map out our plans and try a new route. We know the issues with my husband, we know the issues with me, we at least know what we are battling. I have a feeling 2014 is going to be a great year! I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs, but we sure will continue to our destination no matter what 2014 has in store. Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Time
Christmas time is my FAVORITE time of the year! I love it. I love the decorations, the smell, the cheer, family, the reason we celebrate, and everything that has to do with Christmas. Heck, we do a countdown starting in September at our house because we. LOVE. CHRISTMAS.
Last Christmas as we were gleefully putting of our decorations I thought to myself, "This will be our last Christmas with just us". I was fully expecting to have already had child or at least have one on the way by the time Christmas 2013 came around. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would have had to endure the roller coaster of infertility over the past year. I had grand dreams of how we would tell our family...Only to be let down again and again and again.
Here we are. Two days before Christmas 2013. No baby. We are dealing with this better than I could have imagined. We are still full of joy and our thoughts are pretty much occupied with Christmas plans and celebrations. But it's still in the back of our minds. While at our family gatherings there are new babies, babies on the way, and plans to have new families. We are overjoyed for our family and friends that are expecting and that have already fulfilled their dreams to have a family. It's very hard to explain to others that we really are SO happy for them. We don't have our full family yet, but we are overjoyed with happiness for you.
This Christmas season reminds us of the true reason for Christmas. We are Christians and we rejoice that this season is the birth of our Savior. He was born to save us. He is a miracle. He has a plan for us. Maybe not our plan, but we continue to believe and rejoice in Him because His plan is always better than ours. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that because sometimes we get mad/sad/frustrated/confused/any other number of emotions you can think of. We question - why us? We don't have the answers right now but one day we will. We will continue to push forward with hope that what is best for us will come to fruition. It always has. Even though we don't have our baby, we have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed up beyond our wildest dreams! Many aspects of our life are better than my dreams because I would have never dared to dream it could even be this good. The reason for the season is Jesus. We are so thankful for Him and for what He has in store for us. He is the reason we can still be full of joy and happiness even in this storm. With or without our baby we will still have a very Merry Christmas rejoice in this season.
Last Christmas as we were gleefully putting of our decorations I thought to myself, "This will be our last Christmas with just us". I was fully expecting to have already had child or at least have one on the way by the time Christmas 2013 came around. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would have had to endure the roller coaster of infertility over the past year. I had grand dreams of how we would tell our family...Only to be let down again and again and again.
Here we are. Two days before Christmas 2013. No baby. We are dealing with this better than I could have imagined. We are still full of joy and our thoughts are pretty much occupied with Christmas plans and celebrations. But it's still in the back of our minds. While at our family gatherings there are new babies, babies on the way, and plans to have new families. We are overjoyed for our family and friends that are expecting and that have already fulfilled their dreams to have a family. It's very hard to explain to others that we really are SO happy for them. We don't have our full family yet, but we are overjoyed with happiness for you.
This Christmas season reminds us of the true reason for Christmas. We are Christians and we rejoice that this season is the birth of our Savior. He was born to save us. He is a miracle. He has a plan for us. Maybe not our plan, but we continue to believe and rejoice in Him because His plan is always better than ours. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that because sometimes we get mad/sad/frustrated/confused/any other number of emotions you can think of. We question - why us? We don't have the answers right now but one day we will. We will continue to push forward with hope that what is best for us will come to fruition. It always has. Even though we don't have our baby, we have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed up beyond our wildest dreams! Many aspects of our life are better than my dreams because I would have never dared to dream it could even be this good. The reason for the season is Jesus. We are so thankful for Him and for what He has in store for us. He is the reason we can still be full of joy and happiness even in this storm. With or without our baby we will still have a very Merry Christmas rejoice in this season.
Our Drunk Stork's Navigation
This blog will attempt to be an honest, humble and real story of our life as we go through infertility. So far it's been a really rough ride and especially a tough year as we try to navigate through the doctor appointments, treatments, emotions, and all that comes with the uncertainty of not knowing if all of our dreams will soon crumble at our feet. So here is a road map of where our stork (apparently drunk out of his mind) has taken us so far:
September 2012 - Decide to get off birth control. This should be pretty simple right? We're both healthy and at that point where we are ready!! Let the FUN begin!
October 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days from the end of BC (Birth Control). We weren't really expecting for it to happen the first month so lets try again!
November 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days on the dot.
December 2012 - Period is late! I'm on a cruise with family and pretty excited to get home so I can take a test. I'm thinking, "Wow that was easy!' Negative. Ok. Period is late. What next? Wait? Ok.
January 2013 - 14 pregnancy tests later - nothing and still no period. Hmmm? Research compulsively online....
February 2013 - Make my yearly at my OBGYN. Tell her no period for 2 months and spotting every 2 weeks for 6 weeks. Diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome-follow link for further explanation). Dum Dum Dum! I had seen this online and suspected I might have it. Not sure what was happening but knew it wasn't good and cried all the way home. Dr. strongly suggests my husband get tested because, "If he has issues that is much more serious and will take much longer for you to get pregnant" (Those words are scorched in my mind forever)
March 2013 - Try Clomid (a pill that will help me ovulate). Detour! Huge cyst on right ovary and double the size the Dr. would like. What does this mean? I'm so confused? Obsessively research online. Convince husband I will ovulate any minute.
May 2013 - Meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that will be the answer to our prayers and instantly help me conceive. Right? WRONG. RE says husband needs to get tested. Suggests to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
June 2013 - After much nagging my husband donates his sample. Whoa! Detour!!! Low count, low motility, low morphology. whoa! What? What does all this mean? Continue obsessive research online. Dr. says all is ok because we are putting the sperm right where they need to be. Whew! IUI = fail. Devastated to say the least.
July 2013 - Try another IUI. After all, it usually doesn't happen on the first time. Fail. Detour. Stork is smashed! He definitely has a problem and needs to get his crap together. It's been over 6 months already!
August 2013 - Take a break. Husband is taking supplements to help all parameters of his sperm. Whoa! I ovulated on my own! The stork was still drinking so it was a fail. Supplements actually made it worse. Detour!
September 2013 - New approach. Injectibles - Dum dum dum. I get nice and jacked up on expensive fertility meds and husband gives me shots. Stork delivers 4 perfect follicles that should produce 4 ripe eggs. This is going to work!!!! NOT. Fail. Detour. Husband is diagnosed with a varicocele. Detour again! Must get surgery.
October 2013 - Break. Let's figure out when/if we need surgery. More tests on husband by urologist and we find out the DNA of his sperm is so fragmented not even IVF will help us at this point. DEV-A-STATED. How do we pick up from here? Our Stork definitely is lost/drunk/ridiculous! Surgery and new supplements should help. Should! Come on Stork pull yourself together!!
November 2013 - Break from meds.Surgery is scheduled for my husband. We have one of the best urologist in the country but they can't guarantee any results. Praying for the best. Whoa I ovulated without meds again!! (The Metformin I'm taking for my PCOS must be helping)
December 2013 - Still a break. Husband recovering from surgery and made an appointment to start treatments again in March 2014.
So here we are. Waiting. Hopeful. Guarded. Hopeful. Sad. And guarded. Did I say guarded? As you can see our Stork is still in denial has a major drinking problem. He cannot seem to find his way to the maternity ward. We are hopeful he will one day. I realize some of you will be "infertility amateurs" so google any of the words/phrases that you are not familiar with or comment and I'll be sure to elaborate.
September 2012 - Decide to get off birth control. This should be pretty simple right? We're both healthy and at that point where we are ready!! Let the FUN begin!
October 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days from the end of BC (Birth Control). We weren't really expecting for it to happen the first month so lets try again!
November 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days on the dot.
December 2012 - Period is late! I'm on a cruise with family and pretty excited to get home so I can take a test. I'm thinking, "Wow that was easy!' Negative. Ok. Period is late. What next? Wait? Ok.
January 2013 - 14 pregnancy tests later - nothing and still no period. Hmmm? Research compulsively online....
February 2013 - Make my yearly at my OBGYN. Tell her no period for 2 months and spotting every 2 weeks for 6 weeks. Diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome-follow link for further explanation). Dum Dum Dum! I had seen this online and suspected I might have it. Not sure what was happening but knew it wasn't good and cried all the way home. Dr. strongly suggests my husband get tested because, "If he has issues that is much more serious and will take much longer for you to get pregnant" (Those words are scorched in my mind forever)
March 2013 - Try Clomid (a pill that will help me ovulate). Detour! Huge cyst on right ovary and double the size the Dr. would like. What does this mean? I'm so confused? Obsessively research online. Convince husband I will ovulate any minute.
May 2013 - Meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that will be the answer to our prayers and instantly help me conceive. Right? WRONG. RE says husband needs to get tested. Suggests to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
June 2013 - After much nagging my husband donates his sample. Whoa! Detour!!! Low count, low motility, low morphology. whoa! What? What does all this mean? Continue obsessive research online. Dr. says all is ok because we are putting the sperm right where they need to be. Whew! IUI = fail. Devastated to say the least.
July 2013 - Try another IUI. After all, it usually doesn't happen on the first time. Fail. Detour. Stork is smashed! He definitely has a problem and needs to get his crap together. It's been over 6 months already!
August 2013 - Take a break. Husband is taking supplements to help all parameters of his sperm. Whoa! I ovulated on my own! The stork was still drinking so it was a fail. Supplements actually made it worse. Detour!
September 2013 - New approach. Injectibles - Dum dum dum. I get nice and jacked up on expensive fertility meds and husband gives me shots. Stork delivers 4 perfect follicles that should produce 4 ripe eggs. This is going to work!!!! NOT. Fail. Detour. Husband is diagnosed with a varicocele. Detour again! Must get surgery.
October 2013 - Break. Let's figure out when/if we need surgery. More tests on husband by urologist and we find out the DNA of his sperm is so fragmented not even IVF will help us at this point. DEV-A-STATED. How do we pick up from here? Our Stork definitely is lost/drunk/ridiculous! Surgery and new supplements should help. Should! Come on Stork pull yourself together!!
November 2013 - Break from meds.Surgery is scheduled for my husband. We have one of the best urologist in the country but they can't guarantee any results. Praying for the best. Whoa I ovulated without meds again!! (The Metformin I'm taking for my PCOS must be helping)
December 2013 - Still a break. Husband recovering from surgery and made an appointment to start treatments again in March 2014.
So here we are. Waiting. Hopeful. Guarded. Hopeful. Sad. And guarded. Did I say guarded? As you can see our Stork is still in denial has a major drinking problem. He cannot seem to find his way to the maternity ward. We are hopeful he will one day. I realize some of you will be "infertility amateurs" so google any of the words/phrases that you are not familiar with or comment and I'll be sure to elaborate.
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