Mayday

On our anniversary dinner I had a few glasses of wine and told J about the blog. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him sooner, but it was just a nice little release. While reading on my Kindle last night, J asked me how our drunk stork was doing and I didn't really have a response because I've neglected to write. There's lots of deep meaning that could go into this so here's one of my takes on this - mostly, I feel like I've lost the stork. He's off the radar and I have no clue where the hell he went. Imagine looking at a radar that air traffic control would be looking at - no stork. He's gone and not answering any mayday calls. I'm panicking and out of control looking for him, but it's silence on the other end.

 I feel like my stork has a few parallels with my relationship to God. That relationship is pretty much off the radar too. I'm not answering any of God's mayday calls and at some point I just didn't care. I never thought about it too much but just didn't care to spend any time with Him. The prayers and thanksgiving were less frequent and when I did say a prayer I didn't do it whole heartedly, but more of a last resort hoping maybe it would work, but figured he doesn't have time for us because if he did, we'd have our kid by now. We made it to church last Sunday for the first time in about 7-8 weeks and during the worship a song came by David Crowder called "How He Loves Us" and kept repeating that he really does love us. It resonated with me. At that moment I realized that I have been feeling abandoned by God. How could he let this profound hurt that has penetrated every depth of my soul continue? Where is He? Why has He allowed this? Shouldn't I be rescued by now? I was able to put into words how I was feeling. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I could tell God and myself how I really felt. I'm not sure that realization made me feel less abandoned, but verbalizing it helped me make sense of it. I'm slowly able to turn those feelings of abandon into knowing that there is a plan for me, but it's just not my time yet. It's been nearly 2 years of hell. Instead of trusting God I've abandoned him - he hasn't abandoned me - even though that's what I felt and still am having a hard time not feeling that way.

These are more emotions I need to deal with. It seems with each new cycle there's something new I discover. I need to trust God and open up and have faith. I know that is the truth and that's the only thing that will get us through this mess. I'm sure as soon as I get back on track with God, our stork will be back on our radar. It's a lot easier said than done with each new failure. Each failure automatically brings up a rush of negative feelings and abandonment. At this point we can't work off our own merits because they've failed us. Sooner or later the only thing left we'll have is a little faith. I'm stubborn and I think in the midst of this battle, I'm gonna go down fighting until I have nothing else but a small seed of faith as my option. That's when God will show up. I just need to answer his call to be found.