It's been quite a while since I sat down to update here. Not really because I was so busy, but because I didn't want to. I thought about it all the time, but actually sitting down and having to put into words what has been going on the last few months is hard. Soooo hard. Going through this every day and then having to rehash the last 3-4 months...ugh. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. But it's good for me to do this. One day (hopefully) I'll be happy I brought myself to do this.
February was a great month! My birthday and J surprised me with a trip to Vegas! Planned it all out with my work and everything! Even invited my sisters and best friend who surprised me at the airport! yay! BEST TRIP EVER! It was still less than 3 months post-op so we knew we didn't have a chance so it was fun! I also have the best husband ever. He knew this is exactly what we needed. I was actually able to forget about our infertility for a few days. Of course, except for the occasional ovarian twitch. Damn oversized ovaries. grr!
March - 4 month follow up. great news! His counts tripled. yes! Tripled!!!! Pre-op we had 6 million swimmers/ml and now we had 19!!!! (however, in our previous IUIs we had anywhere from 10-16 million/ml....different labs I guess calculate differently) What?!?! That's almost normal! (Normal range is 20/ml) We still have a LONG LONG way to go. But the fact that after only 4 months, there was this much improvement is very comforting.
I also had my follow up with my RE, Dr. D. Just walking in that place brought up so many memories. I hadn't stepped foot in there for 6 months The first thing I noticed was the smell. It's the overwhelming smell of defeat, sadness, anxiety, tears, prayers, questions, the memory of uncomfortable probes up the who-ha. All of those things at once hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all my strength to not just run out there while hitting every pregnant woman gleefully walking through the halls. (My RE is connected to a huge OBGYN practice...yeah, tell me about it!) The first few minutes just brought up all of the negative emotions our BFNs the past few months brought us. Not one single positive emotion. I was about to the point of tears and I had just reached the elevator. As if seeing the pregnant women and the maternity/baby clothes store at the entrance wasn't enough, once I reach the 4th floor you go right to the OBGYN ("fertiles section") and left for the "infertiles" section. haha ok, it's not called that but you do go left through a set of glass doors that say "Fertility Specialists of Houston". Our stork apparently has an alignment issue and always makes us take the left exit. Taking deep breaths, I check in and remember the receptionist as I'm sure she remembers me. I hate the feeling of pity, I just know she has so much pity for me that I'm back, again. Oh well, time to suck it up. I'm finally starting to feel a little hopeful, afterall it's just to talk with Dr. D. Nothing else.
He's very pleased because I've managed to lose 14 lbs since last time and I've ovulated on my own for the last 6 months. yay! We decide to go ahead with an IUI with a new drug I haven't tried yet, Femara. I know it will be a long shot because J isn't really even all the way healed yet, but I've waited 6 months! Let's get this show on the road!
Well we tried and failed. BAM! Devasted as usual. I forgot how hard it was with medicated cycles. That unicorn gets all riled up and the fall is so much worse. I knew it was too soon to start another treatment, but I had try it. J was really reluctant, but knew I was chomping at the bit to try again so he agreed. I had been as patient as I could be. That failed cycle was a nice little reality check for me. As I sat in bed before work crying about the arrival of AF I heard a voice whisper "Be Patient". It was a soft whisper in my head and I know it was God. It was clear as day. God put that in my conscience. That's it. Be Patient. At that moment I pulled myself together, didn't allow myself to feel bad and decided to move on. Deal with the fact that this cycle didn't work. That moment was a huge moment where peace washed over my entire body and I was okay. I was actually okay with our situation. I had never felt that before, but the undeniable truth was that My Protector, My Creator just let me know personally that he was taking care of it. I took it as "be patient, it's coming, I'm handling it". I took it as a promise and He doesn't break His promises, so I'm holding on to that.
April & May - We decided to take those months off and wait until J had his 6 month follow up. Typically, 6 month post-op is really when you see major improvements and then you continue getting better from then on. We also were scheduled to have the DNA retested as that was the major factor. If you have more than 27% fragmentation you are real unlikely to have a successful pregnancy. Well pre-op, ours was 50%. Yeah. Almost double as bad as it should have been. There really is no point in continuing any kind of treatment, even IVF, when the numbers are that bad as we will not yield a successful pregnancy. So we decided to wait until we get the results back and then decide how to move forward. We get the simple analysis right away..his counts double AGAIN!!! Hooray!!! 36 million per ml. Now that is WAY normal! yayayayayayayyaya! Morphology is still really low and motility is just okay. Improvement is always good no matter where it is. DNA frag test will take at least 2 weeks.
June - Call the urologist to see if the DNA fragmentation results are in.....THE LAB NEVER DID THEM!!!! WTF! RAGE! RAGE! RAGE! The Dr. ordered the test and it's clearly on J's chart. Stupid lab. Our whole struggle is based on that percentage. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Our baby is depending on those numbers. RAGE! I'm not even on any fertility meds and I'm raging over this. So what am I supposed to do, make J go submit ANOTHER sample? no. I'm not making him endure the humiliation again . He's been such a trooper! I mean SUUUUCHH a trooper through this. How can I ask him to do that for the 8th time when it may or may not be used because this incompetent lab cant read instructions. I feel bad enough that he has to do it all, even when it is being inserted through my cervix via catheter. (sounds sexy right? oh yeeeaaaahhhh)
So guess what? We wait. I get so wrapped up in statistics and numbers. We decided we are going to do 3 medicated cycles with injectibles and just trust that DNA fragmentation has gone down. And by trusting, I mean it has improved by 50% or more. That's some BIG trust right there, people. If we got the results back and the DNA was unchanged we would move on. We would know that these next 3 IUIs aren't going to work, so we wouldn't put our hearts through the torture. That is information I'd really like to know beforehand. But since the lab messed up, maybe it's a sign. After all, it's just a number. We can beat the odds and I need to positive about it. So we may be blindly walking into all kinds of heartache and torture. But we have to try. J is really positive about our odds now that its been 6 months post surgery.
We won't be doing a treatment cycle until July. We scheduled a vacation about 4 months ago for the first time in 2 years without considering our fertility treatments. Guess what? It's either skip our vacation or have an IUI. New Orleans, hand grenades, shots (alcoholic, that is), gambling, staying up til 3 AM, partying our asses off, and even a hang over sound a lot more fun than catheters, sperm washes, IUIs, speculums, ultrasounds, literal shots with needles, pills, stress, thinking about follicle growth, thinking about the follicles not growing and extra hormones. What do you think? Thought so.
So July it is.....hopefully it will only be a short time until our stork's navigation instructs us to make that right turn :)
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Meet my pet Unicorn!!!!
So I have a pet unicorn. You know the fictional pony that has magical powers and full of rainbows and glitter and happy thoughts? Yes. That kind. Every woman has one, but their unicorn only emerges as they start trying to have a baby. Let me explain for those of you that are utterly confused...
My unicorn is mostly at bay every 2 weeks and then I get a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) test telling me ovulation is eminent. This means we have approximately 36 hours to get as many swimmers up there as possible to hopefully catch the egg. Let the marathon of the most unsexy, pressure filled, but we aren't talking about how awkward the "sex makes babies" sex really is. Then the countdown begins. Whew! And there she is...my unicorn full of glitter filled thoughts and fantasies about how this has to be our month, then the fantasies about how we will tell our families, how will I tell my husband?, OMG Gender reveal party! - I. must. start. planning. This goes on for approximately 13 glitter filled days of nothing but baby. Obsessively searching stories on Babycenter of others who are experiencing "cramps at 7 dpo (Days Past Ovulation)", "implantation dips", and obsessively comparing my chart to others that got their BFP (Big Fat Positive). These obsessive bouts only feed my unicorn and she comes out roaring her head and shooting rainbows up my butt about how this is DEFINITELY THE MONTH!! This is about what she looks like at this point...
How amazing is that? Prancing around in all her baby making glory...Then comes 13dpo at about 8:30 PM Every.single.cycle. I get that pink spot on my TP and we all know what follows (I should be lucky as this is my warning and I shouldn't be surprised when the next morning my temperature plummets and I wake up to full blown Aunt Flow). But my unicorn doesn't stop there. While the temp drop and and blood should be enough to slaughter my unicorn for this cycle she still lives. She whispers things like, "you know that is probably implantation bleeding (IB)" and cue more obsessive searches containing "IB at 14 dpo" to find several stories of women who thought their period had arrived only to really be pregnant. Wow. She doesn't die so easily. Then by the next day, I've come to terms with the fact that my unicorn is a total deceiving, lying, horrible bitch! And this is what happens to her....
Yup. I think she's dead. I've slaughtered her. On to another cycle and eating all the carbs I can get my hands on until I can get motivated to give the next cycle my best shot and focus on that next positive OPK. Takes about 1 day and then positive attitude arrives.
This is literally what happens every cycle. This is the roller coaster of emotions we talk about. We have to make ourselves believe that every cycle it could happen. No matter the odds. We still believe. Heart break after heart break our unicorn always comes back and we always welcome her with open arms.
My unicorn is mostly at bay every 2 weeks and then I get a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) test telling me ovulation is eminent. This means we have approximately 36 hours to get as many swimmers up there as possible to hopefully catch the egg. Let the marathon of the most unsexy, pressure filled, but we aren't talking about how awkward the "sex makes babies" sex really is. Then the countdown begins. Whew! And there she is...my unicorn full of glitter filled thoughts and fantasies about how this has to be our month, then the fantasies about how we will tell our families, how will I tell my husband?, OMG Gender reveal party! - I. must. start. planning. This goes on for approximately 13 glitter filled days of nothing but baby. Obsessively searching stories on Babycenter of others who are experiencing "cramps at 7 dpo (Days Past Ovulation)", "implantation dips", and obsessively comparing my chart to others that got their BFP (Big Fat Positive). These obsessive bouts only feed my unicorn and she comes out roaring her head and shooting rainbows up my butt about how this is DEFINITELY THE MONTH!! This is about what she looks like at this point...
How amazing is that? Prancing around in all her baby making glory...Then comes 13dpo at about 8:30 PM Every.single.cycle. I get that pink spot on my TP and we all know what follows (I should be lucky as this is my warning and I shouldn't be surprised when the next morning my temperature plummets and I wake up to full blown Aunt Flow). But my unicorn doesn't stop there. While the temp drop and and blood should be enough to slaughter my unicorn for this cycle she still lives. She whispers things like, "you know that is probably implantation bleeding (IB)" and cue more obsessive searches containing "IB at 14 dpo" to find several stories of women who thought their period had arrived only to really be pregnant. Wow. She doesn't die so easily. Then by the next day, I've come to terms with the fact that my unicorn is a total deceiving, lying, horrible bitch! And this is what happens to her....
Yup. I think she's dead. I've slaughtered her. On to another cycle and eating all the carbs I can get my hands on until I can get motivated to give the next cycle my best shot and focus on that next positive OPK. Takes about 1 day and then positive attitude arrives.
This is literally what happens every cycle. This is the roller coaster of emotions we talk about. We have to make ourselves believe that every cycle it could happen. No matter the odds. We still believe. Heart break after heart break our unicorn always comes back and we always welcome her with open arms.
Friday, January 10, 2014
The Cheese Stands Alone
This is one of the hardest issues to talk about regarding my infertility journey and also the hardest to deal with; loneliness and jealousy/envy.
Over the last 2 weeks there have been several of our friends that announced their good news....They are pregnant! Like I've said before, we are SOOOO happy for them. Really. We. Are. So. Happy! But there's also this little evil monster that comes up from inside of me that is raging with jealousy/envy/anger/sadness/I can't even come up with the right words to describe the feeling. It's also a feeling I HATE to feel. I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be 100% happy and not worry about how I feel about myself? It's not me to feel this way about my friends/family that very much love and care for. I only want the best for them. I'm not a jealous person at all. In fact, I'm really content...except for this part. Then the loneliness sets in because you hate yourself for feeling jealous or angry at someone for something that is terrific news! And at the moment of monster rage you feel like you're the only one in the world that can't get pregnant. You're the only one who always feels this way. All of the negative emotions come welling up and it's a battle to just keep your sanity while trying to talk yourself into a happy place. It's lonely, so lonely in that space. Thank goodness I'm able to talk myself out of that lonely-monster envy stage after a few minutes, hours, or a day depending on who made their special announcement. It's not that I'm upset they are having a baby, I'm upset because it's another reminder that I'm NOT having one.
When we first starting trying I would see little rants from women on BabyCenter about how they can't stand seeing the Facebook postings of announcements and new babies and they are so jealous and blah blah blah. I literally thought to myself, "Wow. How selfish and self-centered can you be? Seriously? Why aren't these people happy for their friends. After all, their friends achieved the same goal they are striving for. If it were me I'd be elated for my friends!". Fast forward a few months, lots of shots, tears, negative tests, bad news, and money down the drain, and many, many, many pregnancy announcements - I get it now. I totally understand those rants. Maybe they weren't very well articulated , but how can you really explain these negative emotions without sounding crass, self-centered, jealous, or just plain bitchy?
Just know that if you tell someone who is struggling with fertility that you are pregnant, they might not react how you'd like. Believe me, they don't want to react that way either. They truly are happy for you...once they are able to dig out those other emotions and squash their monster inside reminding them that they are a failure again. It's an ongoing battle with every new announcement, every baby picture, and every post about someone's perfect baby. Learning to cope and sort out my feelings rationally is something I've definitely improved on throughout this journey. So I guess our stork made a pit-stop to "Jealous Falls" just for me! I needed improving so let's move on outta here and get back on track to that maternity ward.
Over the last 2 weeks there have been several of our friends that announced their good news....They are pregnant! Like I've said before, we are SOOOO happy for them. Really. We. Are. So. Happy! But there's also this little evil monster that comes up from inside of me that is raging with jealousy/envy/anger/sadness/I can't even come up with the right words to describe the feeling. It's also a feeling I HATE to feel. I get so angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be 100% happy and not worry about how I feel about myself? It's not me to feel this way about my friends/family that very much love and care for. I only want the best for them. I'm not a jealous person at all. In fact, I'm really content...except for this part. Then the loneliness sets in because you hate yourself for feeling jealous or angry at someone for something that is terrific news! And at the moment of monster rage you feel like you're the only one in the world that can't get pregnant. You're the only one who always feels this way. All of the negative emotions come welling up and it's a battle to just keep your sanity while trying to talk yourself into a happy place. It's lonely, so lonely in that space. Thank goodness I'm able to talk myself out of that lonely-monster envy stage after a few minutes, hours, or a day depending on who made their special announcement. It's not that I'm upset they are having a baby, I'm upset because it's another reminder that I'm NOT having one.
When we first starting trying I would see little rants from women on BabyCenter about how they can't stand seeing the Facebook postings of announcements and new babies and they are so jealous and blah blah blah. I literally thought to myself, "Wow. How selfish and self-centered can you be? Seriously? Why aren't these people happy for their friends. After all, their friends achieved the same goal they are striving for. If it were me I'd be elated for my friends!". Fast forward a few months, lots of shots, tears, negative tests, bad news, and money down the drain, and many, many, many pregnancy announcements - I get it now. I totally understand those rants. Maybe they weren't very well articulated , but how can you really explain these negative emotions without sounding crass, self-centered, jealous, or just plain bitchy?
Just know that if you tell someone who is struggling with fertility that you are pregnant, they might not react how you'd like. Believe me, they don't want to react that way either. They truly are happy for you...once they are able to dig out those other emotions and squash their monster inside reminding them that they are a failure again. It's an ongoing battle with every new announcement, every baby picture, and every post about someone's perfect baby. Learning to cope and sort out my feelings rationally is something I've definitely improved on throughout this journey. So I guess our stork made a pit-stop to "Jealous Falls" just for me! I needed improving so let's move on outta here and get back on track to that maternity ward.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
A New Year, A New Outlook
As this new year rolls around, I'd really like to look at it as a fresh start; a new start; a new beginning; anything other than what 2013 entailed. To sum it up, 2013 was a really crappy year for us fertility wise. However, many of the events of 2013 changed my life forever and taught me some really valuable life lessons that I'm not sure I could have learned without enduring the things I did. (I could do an entire blog of the life lessons infertility has brought us)
A lot of the worst days of my life happened in 2013. It will be a year to remember, that is for sure. But without those hard times, I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am today. Yes, that state changes rather quickly, but overall I feel like I'm in a healthy place to be able to look back at the last year, learn from all situations, count my blessings, reflect and grow.
- Our infertility struggles have made our marriage so strong that nothing can break it. We have grown together and stood firm together through the thick and thin. We now know what each other is made of (literally, ha!). At times it wasn't pretty (i.e. the ugly cry times 100, disagreements, having to feel emotions so deep we didn't know they existed, devastation, anger, frustration, etc.) but in the end we would center around each other and pray. The power of prayer is amazing and when a husband and wife pray together there is no greater your bond will ever feel than those moments.
- Perspective. Wow. How my perspective has changed! I feel like I'm a totally different person than the girl who nonchalantly threw the rest of her birth control pills in the drawer in September 2012 thinking she'd be pregnant soon. If I could only warn that girl what was to come.
In general the way I view others has changed. I feel like I'm less selfish and I take the time to look at their life through their lens instead my self-centered, egotistical world view I had before. I really didn't care how other people felt, what they were going through, or even try to empathize with them. Now I feel compassion and empathy for even the smallest things. I try to understand what it is to walk a mile is their shoes. I'd say I've done as much maturing in the last year as I had in the last 10 combined. Growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be. But I am so thankful to have a new perspective on life.
- Strength - When you feel like you cannot go on, but you do....The strength we have been able to muster within our selves and each other is tremendous and an accomplishment in itself. The strength to walk into those office doors and endure another treatment, the strength it takes to pick yourself up off the ground every month. Strength is something I didn't know I had until I had no other choice.
- Friendships - I've gained some really terrific friendships through this hardship, 2 in particular. They are dear friends who have gone through the same things and have been here for me every step of the way. They are my confidants, my shoulder to cry on, and the people I vent to. They have shown me how to be a real friend, I mean a REAL friend and I'm so thankful for them. As one of them put it, "infertility is a sorority that no one wants to be invited to" but like sorority sisters, she will be a sister to me for life.
We are hoping and praying that in 2014 we will continue to grow and learn from our experiences. We hope for our miracle. Sometimes we get so mad at our "drunk stork", although he isn't finding his way as quick as we'd like, I can now look back in our rearview mirror (with a new perspective) at 2013 and see there was meaning in those detours and maybe our stork had to take a few extra pit stops along the way, but it was because WE also needed those pit stops for whatever reason. 2014 brings us tremendous hope. I'll be visiting with our RE late February to map out our plans and try a new route. We know the issues with my husband, we know the issues with me, we at least know what we are battling. I have a feeling 2014 is going to be a great year! I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs, but we sure will continue to our destination no matter what 2014 has in store. Happy New Year!
A lot of the worst days of my life happened in 2013. It will be a year to remember, that is for sure. But without those hard times, I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am today. Yes, that state changes rather quickly, but overall I feel like I'm in a healthy place to be able to look back at the last year, learn from all situations, count my blessings, reflect and grow.
- Our infertility struggles have made our marriage so strong that nothing can break it. We have grown together and stood firm together through the thick and thin. We now know what each other is made of (literally, ha!). At times it wasn't pretty (i.e. the ugly cry times 100, disagreements, having to feel emotions so deep we didn't know they existed, devastation, anger, frustration, etc.) but in the end we would center around each other and pray. The power of prayer is amazing and when a husband and wife pray together there is no greater your bond will ever feel than those moments.
- Perspective. Wow. How my perspective has changed! I feel like I'm a totally different person than the girl who nonchalantly threw the rest of her birth control pills in the drawer in September 2012 thinking she'd be pregnant soon. If I could only warn that girl what was to come.
In general the way I view others has changed. I feel like I'm less selfish and I take the time to look at their life through their lens instead my self-centered, egotistical world view I had before. I really didn't care how other people felt, what they were going through, or even try to empathize with them. Now I feel compassion and empathy for even the smallest things. I try to understand what it is to walk a mile is their shoes. I'd say I've done as much maturing in the last year as I had in the last 10 combined. Growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be. But I am so thankful to have a new perspective on life.
- Strength - When you feel like you cannot go on, but you do....The strength we have been able to muster within our selves and each other is tremendous and an accomplishment in itself. The strength to walk into those office doors and endure another treatment, the strength it takes to pick yourself up off the ground every month. Strength is something I didn't know I had until I had no other choice.
- Friendships - I've gained some really terrific friendships through this hardship, 2 in particular. They are dear friends who have gone through the same things and have been here for me every step of the way. They are my confidants, my shoulder to cry on, and the people I vent to. They have shown me how to be a real friend, I mean a REAL friend and I'm so thankful for them. As one of them put it, "infertility is a sorority that no one wants to be invited to" but like sorority sisters, she will be a sister to me for life.
We are hoping and praying that in 2014 we will continue to grow and learn from our experiences. We hope for our miracle. Sometimes we get so mad at our "drunk stork", although he isn't finding his way as quick as we'd like, I can now look back in our rearview mirror (with a new perspective) at 2013 and see there was meaning in those detours and maybe our stork had to take a few extra pit stops along the way, but it was because WE also needed those pit stops for whatever reason. 2014 brings us tremendous hope. I'll be visiting with our RE late February to map out our plans and try a new route. We know the issues with my husband, we know the issues with me, we at least know what we are battling. I have a feeling 2014 is going to be a great year! I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs, but we sure will continue to our destination no matter what 2014 has in store. Happy New Year!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Time
Christmas time is my FAVORITE time of the year! I love it. I love the decorations, the smell, the cheer, family, the reason we celebrate, and everything that has to do with Christmas. Heck, we do a countdown starting in September at our house because we. LOVE. CHRISTMAS.
Last Christmas as we were gleefully putting of our decorations I thought to myself, "This will be our last Christmas with just us". I was fully expecting to have already had child or at least have one on the way by the time Christmas 2013 came around. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would have had to endure the roller coaster of infertility over the past year. I had grand dreams of how we would tell our family...Only to be let down again and again and again.
Here we are. Two days before Christmas 2013. No baby. We are dealing with this better than I could have imagined. We are still full of joy and our thoughts are pretty much occupied with Christmas plans and celebrations. But it's still in the back of our minds. While at our family gatherings there are new babies, babies on the way, and plans to have new families. We are overjoyed for our family and friends that are expecting and that have already fulfilled their dreams to have a family. It's very hard to explain to others that we really are SO happy for them. We don't have our full family yet, but we are overjoyed with happiness for you.
This Christmas season reminds us of the true reason for Christmas. We are Christians and we rejoice that this season is the birth of our Savior. He was born to save us. He is a miracle. He has a plan for us. Maybe not our plan, but we continue to believe and rejoice in Him because His plan is always better than ours. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that because sometimes we get mad/sad/frustrated/confused/any other number of emotions you can think of. We question - why us? We don't have the answers right now but one day we will. We will continue to push forward with hope that what is best for us will come to fruition. It always has. Even though we don't have our baby, we have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed up beyond our wildest dreams! Many aspects of our life are better than my dreams because I would have never dared to dream it could even be this good. The reason for the season is Jesus. We are so thankful for Him and for what He has in store for us. He is the reason we can still be full of joy and happiness even in this storm. With or without our baby we will still have a very Merry Christmas rejoice in this season.
Last Christmas as we were gleefully putting of our decorations I thought to myself, "This will be our last Christmas with just us". I was fully expecting to have already had child or at least have one on the way by the time Christmas 2013 came around. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would have had to endure the roller coaster of infertility over the past year. I had grand dreams of how we would tell our family...Only to be let down again and again and again.
Here we are. Two days before Christmas 2013. No baby. We are dealing with this better than I could have imagined. We are still full of joy and our thoughts are pretty much occupied with Christmas plans and celebrations. But it's still in the back of our minds. While at our family gatherings there are new babies, babies on the way, and plans to have new families. We are overjoyed for our family and friends that are expecting and that have already fulfilled their dreams to have a family. It's very hard to explain to others that we really are SO happy for them. We don't have our full family yet, but we are overjoyed with happiness for you.
This Christmas season reminds us of the true reason for Christmas. We are Christians and we rejoice that this season is the birth of our Savior. He was born to save us. He is a miracle. He has a plan for us. Maybe not our plan, but we continue to believe and rejoice in Him because His plan is always better than ours. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that because sometimes we get mad/sad/frustrated/confused/any other number of emotions you can think of. We question - why us? We don't have the answers right now but one day we will. We will continue to push forward with hope that what is best for us will come to fruition. It always has. Even though we don't have our baby, we have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed up beyond our wildest dreams! Many aspects of our life are better than my dreams because I would have never dared to dream it could even be this good. The reason for the season is Jesus. We are so thankful for Him and for what He has in store for us. He is the reason we can still be full of joy and happiness even in this storm. With or without our baby we will still have a very Merry Christmas rejoice in this season.
Our Drunk Stork's Navigation
This blog will attempt to be an honest, humble and real story of our life as we go through infertility. So far it's been a really rough ride and especially a tough year as we try to navigate through the doctor appointments, treatments, emotions, and all that comes with the uncertainty of not knowing if all of our dreams will soon crumble at our feet. So here is a road map of where our stork (apparently drunk out of his mind) has taken us so far:
September 2012 - Decide to get off birth control. This should be pretty simple right? We're both healthy and at that point where we are ready!! Let the FUN begin!
October 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days from the end of BC (Birth Control). We weren't really expecting for it to happen the first month so lets try again!
November 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days on the dot.
December 2012 - Period is late! I'm on a cruise with family and pretty excited to get home so I can take a test. I'm thinking, "Wow that was easy!' Negative. Ok. Period is late. What next? Wait? Ok.
January 2013 - 14 pregnancy tests later - nothing and still no period. Hmmm? Research compulsively online....
February 2013 - Make my yearly at my OBGYN. Tell her no period for 2 months and spotting every 2 weeks for 6 weeks. Diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome-follow link for further explanation). Dum Dum Dum! I had seen this online and suspected I might have it. Not sure what was happening but knew it wasn't good and cried all the way home. Dr. strongly suggests my husband get tested because, "If he has issues that is much more serious and will take much longer for you to get pregnant" (Those words are scorched in my mind forever)
March 2013 - Try Clomid (a pill that will help me ovulate). Detour! Huge cyst on right ovary and double the size the Dr. would like. What does this mean? I'm so confused? Obsessively research online. Convince husband I will ovulate any minute.
May 2013 - Meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that will be the answer to our prayers and instantly help me conceive. Right? WRONG. RE says husband needs to get tested. Suggests to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
June 2013 - After much nagging my husband donates his sample. Whoa! Detour!!! Low count, low motility, low morphology. whoa! What? What does all this mean? Continue obsessive research online. Dr. says all is ok because we are putting the sperm right where they need to be. Whew! IUI = fail. Devastated to say the least.
July 2013 - Try another IUI. After all, it usually doesn't happen on the first time. Fail. Detour. Stork is smashed! He definitely has a problem and needs to get his crap together. It's been over 6 months already!
August 2013 - Take a break. Husband is taking supplements to help all parameters of his sperm. Whoa! I ovulated on my own! The stork was still drinking so it was a fail. Supplements actually made it worse. Detour!
September 2013 - New approach. Injectibles - Dum dum dum. I get nice and jacked up on expensive fertility meds and husband gives me shots. Stork delivers 4 perfect follicles that should produce 4 ripe eggs. This is going to work!!!! NOT. Fail. Detour. Husband is diagnosed with a varicocele. Detour again! Must get surgery.
October 2013 - Break. Let's figure out when/if we need surgery. More tests on husband by urologist and we find out the DNA of his sperm is so fragmented not even IVF will help us at this point. DEV-A-STATED. How do we pick up from here? Our Stork definitely is lost/drunk/ridiculous! Surgery and new supplements should help. Should! Come on Stork pull yourself together!!
November 2013 - Break from meds.Surgery is scheduled for my husband. We have one of the best urologist in the country but they can't guarantee any results. Praying for the best. Whoa I ovulated without meds again!! (The Metformin I'm taking for my PCOS must be helping)
December 2013 - Still a break. Husband recovering from surgery and made an appointment to start treatments again in March 2014.
So here we are. Waiting. Hopeful. Guarded. Hopeful. Sad. And guarded. Did I say guarded? As you can see our Stork is still in denial has a major drinking problem. He cannot seem to find his way to the maternity ward. We are hopeful he will one day. I realize some of you will be "infertility amateurs" so google any of the words/phrases that you are not familiar with or comment and I'll be sure to elaborate.
September 2012 - Decide to get off birth control. This should be pretty simple right? We're both healthy and at that point where we are ready!! Let the FUN begin!
October 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days from the end of BC (Birth Control). We weren't really expecting for it to happen the first month so lets try again!
November 2012 - Period right on time. 30 days on the dot.
December 2012 - Period is late! I'm on a cruise with family and pretty excited to get home so I can take a test. I'm thinking, "Wow that was easy!' Negative. Ok. Period is late. What next? Wait? Ok.
January 2013 - 14 pregnancy tests later - nothing and still no period. Hmmm? Research compulsively online....
February 2013 - Make my yearly at my OBGYN. Tell her no period for 2 months and spotting every 2 weeks for 6 weeks. Diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome-follow link for further explanation). Dum Dum Dum! I had seen this online and suspected I might have it. Not sure what was happening but knew it wasn't good and cried all the way home. Dr. strongly suggests my husband get tested because, "If he has issues that is much more serious and will take much longer for you to get pregnant" (Those words are scorched in my mind forever)
March 2013 - Try Clomid (a pill that will help me ovulate). Detour! Huge cyst on right ovary and double the size the Dr. would like. What does this mean? I'm so confused? Obsessively research online. Convince husband I will ovulate any minute.
May 2013 - Meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that will be the answer to our prayers and instantly help me conceive. Right? WRONG. RE says husband needs to get tested. Suggests to try an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
June 2013 - After much nagging my husband donates his sample. Whoa! Detour!!! Low count, low motility, low morphology. whoa! What? What does all this mean? Continue obsessive research online. Dr. says all is ok because we are putting the sperm right where they need to be. Whew! IUI = fail. Devastated to say the least.
July 2013 - Try another IUI. After all, it usually doesn't happen on the first time. Fail. Detour. Stork is smashed! He definitely has a problem and needs to get his crap together. It's been over 6 months already!
August 2013 - Take a break. Husband is taking supplements to help all parameters of his sperm. Whoa! I ovulated on my own! The stork was still drinking so it was a fail. Supplements actually made it worse. Detour!
September 2013 - New approach. Injectibles - Dum dum dum. I get nice and jacked up on expensive fertility meds and husband gives me shots. Stork delivers 4 perfect follicles that should produce 4 ripe eggs. This is going to work!!!! NOT. Fail. Detour. Husband is diagnosed with a varicocele. Detour again! Must get surgery.
October 2013 - Break. Let's figure out when/if we need surgery. More tests on husband by urologist and we find out the DNA of his sperm is so fragmented not even IVF will help us at this point. DEV-A-STATED. How do we pick up from here? Our Stork definitely is lost/drunk/ridiculous! Surgery and new supplements should help. Should! Come on Stork pull yourself together!!
November 2013 - Break from meds.Surgery is scheduled for my husband. We have one of the best urologist in the country but they can't guarantee any results. Praying for the best. Whoa I ovulated without meds again!! (The Metformin I'm taking for my PCOS must be helping)
December 2013 - Still a break. Husband recovering from surgery and made an appointment to start treatments again in March 2014.
So here we are. Waiting. Hopeful. Guarded. Hopeful. Sad. And guarded. Did I say guarded? As you can see our Stork is still in denial has a major drinking problem. He cannot seem to find his way to the maternity ward. We are hopeful he will one day. I realize some of you will be "infertility amateurs" so google any of the words/phrases that you are not familiar with or comment and I'll be sure to elaborate.
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