Our Pilgrimage of sorts

October 2012. That's the month this journey started. That's the month I knew our lives would change forever. I thought it was because we'd have a little bundle of joy on the way in no time. I wasn't right about that little bundle, but I was right about one thing; our lives and our souls were embarking on a journey of being changed forever.

I'm not sure how I feel about looking back on 2 years. It's rather painful to remember the hurt, the bad news, the surgeries, the doctor visits, the missed work, the numerous probes up you-know-where, the tears, the defeat, the shots, the failed inseminations, the jealousy, the hope, the endurance, the celebrations of good news, the small victories, the special moments, the pure and uncontainable love, the prayers, and this list could go on. All of that is really hard to look back on with anything but a heavy heart.

Sure, we've made progress. A lot of progress actually. We went from a girl who thought she was a fertile myrtle, didn't know she had PCOS, wasn't even ovulating, and a boy who had dismal counts, awful DNA fragmentation, and a varicocele vein to a woman who has come to terms with her PCOS, has successfully treated it and now ovulates on her own (WHAT???) and a man who has endured a major surgery that now has fantastic counts (even better than average! YAY!!! These are the small victories we celebrate). We've made major strides and overcome several speed bumps that were in the way, but we still aren't victorious. We've done ALL that and it still hasn't worked. 2 full years of fighting this uphill battle. It makes us question, "How much longer? Will this ever work? How many more obstacles do we have to overcome?" At this point for me, it's really hard to not be bitter. Two years. Two years! Two F$%!@ing years! Bitter, that's the only word that even comes close.

I never thought in my wildest dreams this is what it would come to. I always wonder what would happen if I did somehow have a heads up. I think my optimist self (well 2 years ago I was an optimist; glass half full kind of girl) would have still given it a shot even knowing how hard it was going to be. I'm sure I would have told myself, "It can't be that hard". psssfffffphhh! Even now though, we aren't giving up. We are fighters and we will fight until there literally aren't anymore shots to take, doctors to go to, money to take out of our bank accounts, eggs to be fertilized, or sex to be had. We will fight. We've fought this far and we know that the end goal will be worth fighting for, or hell, even dying for. I truly feel that way. I will go to the end of the earth for my nonexistent, unborn child(ren) who we already love so much. There isn't anything we wouldn't do for them. So no, won't be waving the white flag of surrender anytime soon.

At the beginning of this, I had a friend who was dealing with similar issues and we would discuss our TTC efforts at nausea. It was so great to have a buddy that knew what I was going through. I remember telling her there is no way I'd resort to using fertility drugs, even just the little pill Clomid (the first line of action for infertility, which now I call the gateway drug LOL). I insisted on doing it naturally and I sure as hell didn't need any help. (Major eye roll at my stupid 2012 self) Well, then I find myself sitting in the doctors office ASKING for Clomid after I found out I wasn't ovulating and most likely had PCOS. But I told my friend that was the end of the line. Nothing else. I wanted the creation of our child to be totally natural. A few months later, I find myself doing an Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI) along with taking Clomid. Ummmm yeah, totally not natural! J depositing his "goods" in a cup, handing it to a lab worker who them puts it in a centrifuge, spins them around, takes out the bad ones, then puts it in a solution to hyper activate them, gives it back to us in a white paper back (no kidding), we walk up the 4th floor, wait for a nurse to insert a speculum into my "goods" insert a catheter and inject the newly prepared sperm into me. How's that for natural conception? All the while pronouncing that I will NEVER and I mean NEVER do IVF. I wouldn't even say those 3 little letters because I was so terrified of it. Although deep down I knew that was a good possibility as the other doors were closing behind us. A few months later, I not only found myself doing Clomid with an IUI but I also added injectable medicines. Those are where I get to shoot myself up with straight hormones to grow more eggs. Yup. Au Naturale. Sooooo here we are. Right here. No success with any of those treatments and I'm even hung ho about discussing IVF. I've found that this is very similar to the grieving process and I had to go through all of those other steps in order to be okay with the next step.

After all that, I guess the only thing to say is cheers to the next 2 years, and the next 2 after that. I don't know what they will bring. We can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But I do know that there are blessings in this storm and that we are fighters. Our spirits may be broken, but we aren't giving up. We embarked on what we thought was a little road trip, but ended up on a journey or more like a pilgrimage. This is our road and we will own it and we will follow the stork wherever he takes us.

Meet my pet Unicorn!!!!

So I have a pet unicorn. You know the fictional pony that has magical powers and full of rainbows and glitter and happy thoughts? Yes. That kind. Every woman has one, but their unicorn only emerges as they start trying to have a baby. Let me explain for those of you that are utterly confused...

My unicorn is mostly at bay every 2 weeks and then I get a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) test telling me ovulation is eminent. This means we have approximately 36 hours to get as many swimmers up there as possible to hopefully catch the egg. Let the marathon of the most unsexy, pressure filled, but we aren't talking about how awkward the "sex makes babies" sex really is. Then the countdown begins. Whew! And there she is...my unicorn full of glitter filled thoughts and fantasies about how this has to be our month, then the fantasies about how we will tell our families, how will I tell my husband?, OMG Gender reveal party! - I. must. start. planning. This goes on for approximately 13 glitter filled days of nothing but baby. Obsessively searching stories on Babycenter of others who are experiencing "cramps at 7 dpo (Days Past Ovulation)", "implantation dips", and obsessively comparing my chart to others that got their BFP (Big Fat Positive). These obsessive bouts only feed my unicorn and she comes out roaring her head and shooting rainbows up my butt about how this is DEFINITELY THE MONTH!! This is about what she looks like at this point...



How amazing is that? Prancing around in all her baby making glory...Then comes 13dpo at about 8:30 PM Every.single.cycle. I get that pink spot on my TP and we all know what follows (I should be lucky as this is my warning and I shouldn't be surprised when the next morning my temperature plummets and I wake up to full blown Aunt Flow). But my unicorn doesn't stop there. While the temp drop and and blood should be enough to slaughter my unicorn for this cycle she still lives. She whispers things like, "you know that is probably implantation bleeding (IB)" and cue more obsessive searches containing "IB at 14 dpo" to find several stories of women who thought their period had arrived only to really be pregnant. Wow. She doesn't die so easily. Then by the next day, I've come to terms with the fact that my unicorn is a total deceiving, lying, horrible bitch! And this is what happens to her....







Yup. I think she's dead. I've slaughtered her. On to another cycle and eating all the carbs I can get my hands on until I can get motivated to give the next cycle my best shot and focus on that next positive OPK. Takes about 1 day and then positive attitude arrives.

This is literally what happens every cycle. This is the roller coaster of emotions we talk about. We have to make ourselves believe that every cycle it could happen. No matter the odds. We still believe. Heart break after heart break our unicorn always comes back and we always welcome her with open arms.